Vaults of Vyzor: Post-species Integration and Education Society

The Vaults of Vyzor is an on-going, epic, multi-player dungeoncrawl run by Jeff Rients of the Broodmother Skyfortress.

My character there is a lotfp specialist named Big Gnome. Big Gnome is a gnome, and is convinced he's a gnome, and tells everyone he's a gnome. He's also over six feet tall. That's ok. His red hat is two feet tall, so he still looks like a gnome. I rolled Big Gnome with straight 3d6 and ended up with absolutely average stats (all 8, 9 or 10), except Constitution. Big Gnome has 18 Constitution. That's why he's so huge. As a specialist Big Gnome is terrible at combat, but he does have one thing going for him: he's an expert tinkerer. He has a 6 in 6 pips of tinkering. In lotfp terms that means Big Gnome is the MacGyver, the tinkeriest gnome he could be. Also, he carries a shovel for tinkering with larger traps.

Now, the PIES.

An utterly unrelated gnome to Big Gnome, named Unrelated Gnome (crypto-biomancer, AC 9, HD 6, can cast Flesh to Lichen, which is a spell wholly unrelated to Flesh to Stone and also less permanent), introduces the Post-species Integration and Education Society (PIES) to Vyzor. At PIES anybody can learn what it is like to belong a different species-cultural complex through a combination of deep drinking, high hypnosis, timely training, pedantic practice and metagenetic magic (may involve surgery).

At PIES any character may acquire some quirky aspect of another species, culture or race, for a fee. For example, one could acquire the halfling throwing weapon bonus, the dwarven bonus against giants, the elven affinity for lyres, the human resilience in the face of ridiculous odds, or some other weird, stupid shit. Or at least try to.

The first visit to PIES costs 300 gold, the second 600 gold and the third 1000. A 'training' regimen takes 1d4 weeks (no adventuring during this time). After the first visit roll 1d8, after the second 1d10, after the third 1d12.

PIES Result Table

1. pinnacle of perfection! You acquire the new trait and master it even better than most ordinary members of that species! You can throw rocks better than most halflings (e.g. +2 with thrown weapons)
2. dang good. You acquire the new trait, but with an additional quirk. E.g., yes, you are very good at throwing, just like a halfling, but you're especially good at throwing black rocks (e.g. +1 with thrown weapons, +2 with black thrown weapons).
3–5. you have mastered the trait you were after.
6–8. you have mastered the trait, but with a quirk. E.g., you are very good at throwing red objects. Only red objects. Even if they're still wet with paint, you're good at it (e.g. +1 with red thrown weapons). Or, you can detect new stonework, so long as it is brick or metamorphic rocks. Igneous and sandstone? You don't understand those.
9–10. you acquired a weirdly specific and half-useless random other trait. E.g. you are no better at throwing objects in combat, but now have a bonus skipping stones on water or perhaps when playing boules.
11. you learned nothing. Seriously, you just blew all that money and time. Well done.
12+. you learned nothing, but developed an irrational fear or awe of that particular species. E.g. you are now afraid of halflings and are at -1 when attacking them.

A full list of traits does not exist and depends on your negotiations with the DM.

A Fourth Visit

Unrelated Gnome will strenuously advise against a fourth visit because he doesn't have a d14 or d16 on hand, but will be convinced by a payment of 1500 gold to give the PIE protocol another spin. The mad mongrel trying to modify themselves further must succeed in a Petrification Polymorph Constitution Death save with a moderate DC (say 15) or the procedure is a catastrophic failure and they must roll on the ...

Catastrophic Dismutation Table (d12)
  1. Death.
  2. Brain replaced with rodent. Death.
  3. Heart is now an incendiary device. Explosive death in two minutes.
  4. Liver is now a sentient goat. Death in a few hours.
  5. Death and corpse becomes a cannibal zombie ravaging a local pig farm.
  6. Skin is now a cloaker. Also, probably death.
  7. Torso replaced with shrubbery. Probably death.
  8. Arms and legs turn into mushrooms. Probably death.
  9. Hair replaced with stubby, super-agressive, auto-cannibalistic venomous snakes. Regular culling and antivenom required. Or death.
  10. Eyes replaced with holes of annihilation. Blindness. Possibly madness.
  11. Whole body replaced with identical synthetic soulless sterile clone. Character is now a prisoner operating the replacement body with their thoughts. Madness may ensue.
  12. Head grows seventeen arachnid limbs and runs away from body, screaming. Character is now an autonomous head. Can only have 1 hp per HD.

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