30wizards - The Soft Cloud

The Soft Cloud

HD 5-5 - massive but soft

AC 8 - pillowy

Atk 1d4-1 - intoxicating, gentle and filling

Glorious ruler gently rests, smoking the Pipe of Djinn on the Throne of Little Three-Eyed Thralls while contemplating the world through the colour haze of trans-plutonian existence.

Henchmen:

• Little Three-Eyed Thralls - numerous, cute, lasagna-eating menaces. A vigorous shakeup of their hierarchy is a common spectator sport. HD 1-1, AC 13, Atk 1d4 poisoned lasagna, see your embarrassing secret.
• Chair Golem - immobile but unforgetting, golem immunities from below and behind. HD 2, AC 18.

Magics:

• Pipe of Djinn - summons gin vapors and communicates with a Djinn named Eugene. Intoxicating
• Colour Haze of Trans-Plutonian Existence - a void-traversing communication-enabling spell. Enlightenment brings confusion. Confusion brings release. Answers are questions wreathed in purple.

Someone has stolen my Throne and now the Thralls won’t carry me!

1. It was Pneumato, the Gas Wizard!
2. Perhaps it was just misplaced in Trans-Plutonia?
3. It’s a Thrall Revolution! Lasagna for the masses!
4. There is no throne. The pipe is corrupted.

Eugene the Djinn has a well-laid business proposition for a gin franchise. It will be a success.

1. I will never let him go! He’s my only friend!
2. Gin?! Who would ever drink that! Folly!
3. The Polly Pogue Gang won’t stand for that. It has a nice Cracker Jack racket going.
4. But to release him, some gentle virgin must drink the Aetherial Gin Prison! It turns mortals into (1) rainbows, (2) potatoes, (3) water nymphs, (4) cheese, (5) iron golems and (6) a shrubbery.

30wizards - Kromo Reza the First Version Sword

Kromo Reza the Sword V1

HD 2+10 - heavy and metal.

AC 18 - high and strong

Atk 2d6+6 - proud and mental, the greatsword glimmers

Great magus of the metal order, binder of demons, witch king of barbarians, poses with the great thrall Littlehead Metalknees.

Henchman:

• Servant Littlehead Metalknees - a mind closed to reason and influence, a strength to bring down great goats. HD 6, AC 16, Atk 2d6+6 and the Words of Metal.

Magics:

• Bewitch Barbarians - influence speakers of unintelligible tongues by waving hands and flashing metal eyes.
• Hill-arising Runes - they do make the hills walk and the lowlanders quake in fear. "Gor na gor bo goru!"
• Metalknees - heavy metal knees that stomp and shake the ground and mark the true thrall. Prosthetic.

Declamations:

1. Worship me, fleshy warrior, and I will make you King!
2. Sacrifice your most beloved sheep to me, that I see your heart is truly mine.
3. Wield me and your bones will be as iron.
4. Climb the peak of Ca-Ru-Na, defeat the three-headed bird Alabu and call the Lightning!
5. Eat the soul of the horned wolf and your mind shall be closed to all ill magics! I swear!
6. Expose the 3 Words of Metal!

The Three Words:

1. Ca (death) is visited by those you strike in my name! (save vs. death)
2. Ru (black) blinding ink fills the eyes of the stricken! (save vs. blindness)
3. Na (dark) lights burn dark and shed night around us!

Pull me from the stone!

1. Free! Free at last! Die mortal spunk!
2. Ga-ju-ga! My task is complete! You are unbound!
3. As a boon, that stone is now Glod. Enjoy him.
4. Yeah ... that was anti-climactic. Do you have a body ready for me to inhabit?

30wizards - Baron Baron

Baron Baron of Baronia

HD 2+2 - arrogantly low

AC 13 - quite unnecessary

Atk 1d6 - sharp and to the point

Hat trick wizard and summoner of rabbits of Arrgh, tips the Hat of Conjuration to you. With the Cape of Night and the Black Pince-Nez of Rainbows, how can you stand against his magnificent thinness?

• Pince-Nez of Rainbows - summons rainbows and holy divers. May avert evil eye (4 in 6).
• Cape of Night - Night is still looking for it. Inverts circadian rhythms. Causes insomnia. Is a very dark white. Protects against sun burn.
• Hat of Arrgh - summons Beast of Arrgh. Does not come with instructions. HD 1+1, AC 20, Atk 2d6 vorpal.
• Barron’s Ballistic Bunny - rodents fear a spell that accelerates them in ballistic trajectories. 
• Get Real Thin - reduces body volume while maintaining mass by a factor of up to π.

Complaints in the Court of Confusions

1. My neck fell off.
2. It’s right there, sir. Are you mad?
3. It must have been the purple lotus!
4. There are myrmidonoborgs in the Iron Machine of Mulachi that make new ones!
5. Why do you want mine? It’s still attached!
6. The new caryatid cravats will be the rage of the season, just ask Lady Flightshade.
7. And inside was this pearl choker. Perhaps it will convince the Silver Priestess to go to the Feast of Fools with me?
8. My dumnorian iron dwarf servant is Rusty. It’s just a bad joke. The red-haired dwarf still has no soul. Does it eat children?

30wizards - First Wizard

First Wizard Tentaclebeard

HD 7 - elegant

AC 7* - untouchable

Atk 2d7 - sparkly

Slayer of the Scumbag Sorcerer, Defeater of the Douche Demonist, the Evil Elementalist and the Wanker Wizard.

• Scarf of the Tentabeard - stops hearts with its touch and charms cephalopods.
• Eary Robe-hat of Sparkles - imbued with magic by the Mad Arch-Imp ‘Cat’ Cheerdrums.
• First Wizard’s Misrule - a cursory spell that inspires drunkenness and wild partying.
• Orb of Rubber - bounces and brings the bouncy back
• My other house is a cake-shaped crypt.

Who Will Rid Me of this Self-Absorbed Fairy Princess?

1. She ate all my cross-pies!
2. Those were priceless experiments, not imp-cakes!
3. I will not be humiliated and sparkle in daylight again!
4. He said he was a princess!
5. There is now a temporal vortex in my lavatory. Ah.
6. How dare she turn my snakes into socks?!

There is a filthy goblin in the basement playing checkers with a ghost in her head.